


i reach my hand out (in hopes it'll touch)

by kjshyes



Category: IZONE (Band)
Genre: F/F, im sorry my finger slipped, please dont hate me, yes theres death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23876737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjshyes/pseuds/kjshyes
Summary: choi yena sees the stars in jo yuri's eyes, and it's almost enough to forget about the hole in her heart.
Relationships: Choi Yena/Jo Yuri
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33





	i reach my hand out (in hopes it'll touch)

**Author's Note:**

> so my lit class was doing the deep by anthony doerr, and then i got this massive wave of inspiration and my finger slipped and now this exists. i'm sorry yall
> 
> [someday](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KL-Yz1s2qTU) by iz*one

choi yena was born in 1999 in seoul, a few days too early. early on in her life her father’s business fails, and they file for bankruptcy. not that she knows what that means. her parents will spend the rest of their prime manning a small, pop-up kimbap stall under the concrete jungles, trying their best to earn even a few more cents. _life doesn’t come for free,_ her father says, but yena doesn’t understand.

yena is six when she starts fainting. on the bad days she walks up the stairs and suddenly her legs are jelly and the world goes black. her parents are working the first time it happens, so her brother carries her straight to the hospital, tears in his eyes as he runs without knowing why.

atrial septal defect. hole in the heart. they don’t know how it happened, or why they hadn’t found it sooner, but it exists now and her poor, tortured heart has to do three times the work.

her lifespan is uncertain, they say, but yena doesn’t know what that means.

her parents try not to panic her. they break the news slowly, in little chunks. _don’t do that, yena-ah. your heart won’t be able to handle it._ she doesn’t understand why. why do the other kids get to go for gym, but i don’t? why do they get to play tag during recess? why’s everyone tiptoeing around me like i’m made of glass?

“don’t worry about it,” her mother says, and kisses her goodnight.

-

yena is twelve when she begins to fully understand why sometimes, her head hurts and her legs are glass; why sometimes, when she laughs too much, her skull caves in on itself; why sometimes, her friends walk around her like she’s made of glass.

school is fine, though. she can handle math. it doesn’t make her head hurt the same way running does. she meets friends, too. like kim chaewon, who’s nice and pretty but hardly ever smiles, except when she sees her friend minju. like kim sihyeon, who’s giggly and fun and looks at the world with determined little eyes. like jo yuri, whose voice is made of honey and undulates in strange places because of her busan accent, eyes shaping into upturned crescents when she grins.

yena is twelve when ms bae asks the class to talk about their ambitions, and yuri bounces up and down while talking about how she’s going to be a singer. it makes yena’s heart jump, skipping beats here and there, which she knows can’t be good, but she shuts up anyway because _look! yuri is talking!_

yuri starts to sing, and ms bae claps for her, but by then yena is hardly breathing. there are stars in yuri’s eyes and black spots like inkblots in hers. yuri finishes her song, and the air is caught in yena’s throat. “that was amazing!” she tries to say, but the words turn to sand in her throat and sink into her stomach. when she falls, she sees the world going black.

the doctor says it’s worse than they thought, and yena thinks she hears her mother crying. she can’t really tell though, because the air is thick like she’s underwater and the sounds swim to her painfully slowly. think of blue if you get excited, the doctor says. her mother lets her go to school but that’s about it. when he isn’t working, sometimes her father will tell her old stories of people falling in love, and yena wishes that could happen to her too.

she spends the afternoons home alone, picking up her brother’s guitar and teaching herself how to use it. some days yuri comes over, and they sing together as quietly as they can, because if the neighbours find out then so will yena’s mother, who’ll inevitably panic that her daughter is exerting herself. at age fifteen she and yuri start doing duets, and when she can feel her heart start to speed up, she stops singing and looks at yuri, with her eyes closed in concentration, pouring her heart into the song.

 _blue,_ she thinks. _blue, blue, blue, blue, blue._

at night yena dreams of her and yuri, singing together on a stage built just for them. the stage is stunning and the audience is entranced and yuri’s voice is a call from the heavens themselves, but yena looks over and she can’t see the audience, or the stage, just the stars in yuri’s eyes, fixed straight onto her, lips turned upwards in her signature grin.

yena wakes up to a starless sky.

-

yena is sixteen when yuri comes over one saturday morning, hands clasped shyly in front of her. her mother answers the door, and yuri asks if yena can come over to hang out with her.

“absolutely not,” her mother answers, trying to keep her voice calm. it cracks at the edges like an old vase long unused. yuri bows her head, and yena can’t stand to see the stars so dull.

yena’s father walks over and talks to her in low, hushed tones, but both girls can hear him just fine.

“she needs to get out of the house for reasons other then school. you need to let her grow up.”

“she’s sick!” she cries, and yena flinches.

“she’s also alive, and growing.”

they agree to one saturday in the end, and the girls run to yuri’s place hand-in-hand and giggling. yena hasn’t seen the world outside of school in ages. it’s bright and colourful now, and everywhere she goes there seems to be something new to see. _so this is the world._

they sing another duet that day. through the night by iu. the whole time yena’s smiling like an idiot as she stares right into yuri’s eyes. the day is over before yena realises, and her brother is at the door to take her home. she smiles at yuri; yuri smiles back.

one saturday turns into two, and then three, and then every week, and yena’s mother objects less and less every time, sending them off with a fond smile and a box of snacks. yuri teaches yena how to play the piano, slowly at first, with broken melodies of ‘happy birthday’, and then quicker once she gets the hang of it, until she can play fur elise almost as well as yuri herself. some days chaewon comes over too and the three of them write songs and broken lyrics together. some days they don’t sing much because yena says something funny and yuri stops to laugh, and then yena is just captivated by how absolutely _beautiful_ she looks, with her voice of honey that undulates with her accent, and her eyes that shape into upturned crescents when she smiles. some days they can’t sing, because the breath isn’t moving in yena’s chest, and they both stop to let her breathe and think of blue. when this happens yena lies in yuri’s lap and they sit in silence for a bit, enjoying each other’s presence.

yuri smiles at her, and there are butterflies in yena’s stomach.

her brother knocks at the door, and it’s time to go home.

-

yena is seventeen, and sometimes when she gets up spots spread like inkblots in her eyes and she has to stay at home, in bed. there are whole weeks at a time when she can’t go to school. her parents are taking on double shifts now, paying her medical bills, and her brother has left for the military, but yena comes over whenever she can to keep her company and sing for her.

“i wish you didn’t have to live like this,” yuri says one day. they’re squeezing into the same bed and yena’s resting on her shoulder. “it’s like you’ve been scammed by life,” she continues, playing with a lock of her golden-brown hair.

“really? doesn’t feel that way,” yena hums, her voice raspy from lack of use.

“how d’you do it, then? seem so happy all the time?”

 _it’s really easy to be happy when i’m with you,_ yena wants to say, but the words are stuck in her throat again.

she opts to kiss yuri instead, pressing lips to lips, tilting her jaw and cupping yuri’s face gently. what she doesn’t expect is for yuri to kiss back, grabbing the back of her head and pulling her in deeper. when they finally have to pull apart for air, yuri breaks into a bashful grin and yena snuggles deeper into yuri’s neck.

 _if this is how it is being scammed by life, then i don’t really mind,_ yena thinks, her heart racing.

 _blue,_ she thinks, _think of blue,_ and she does.

-

yena is nineteen, and she has told herself not to think about her heart.

the doctors tell her that it’s slowly deteriorating, but yena doesn’t care. she’s young, and she’s managed to scrape through school. she, yuri and chaewon have managed to sign with a record label, not a big one, but one that cares for its artists and feels like a family, and every then and they’ll play at bars in downtown seoul. her parents have finally found stable jobs and her brother is out from the army. he’s found a good job and can afford to take care of them now.

yena moves with yuri into a small apartment near the label. their days are slow and steady, but that’s fine because they both like it that way. some days they sing together, some days they watch stupid, cheesy dramas together for hours, and some days, when yena’s heart is racing and she can’t quite get the words out, yuri reads her face and they sit down for a bit, yuri stroking her hair gently the whole time and whispering _shh, it’s okay, think of blue,_ whenever yena tenses up in her arms.

they release a song, quite aptly named someday, and it does well enough that radios start playing it and people start recognising them on the street. it’s a little more stress on yena’s trembling heart, but she puts on a front and smiles the whole time, because yuri is elated that she’s made her singer dream come true and she doesn’t want to ruin the moment. the stars are always prettiest when she’s happy.

it’s on one of these days, when yuri is giggling and they’re walking down the street, her arm around yuri’s shoulder, that yena can feel her heart struggling to keep up with her steps. _blue,_ she thinks frantically, gulping down a cry of pain, and she tries her best to act calm, but she’s tensing up too much and there’s already sweat rolling down her face in the middle of winter. “yena?” yuri asks, but her words are slow and muffled in the air and yena can feel herself choking on her own breath, black spots in her eyes, and suddenly she’s falling down, down, down, and yuri’s screaming for help, and it all goes black.

-

yena wakes up in the hospital with an oxygen mask strapped to her face and yuri sitting in a plastic chair next to her, asleep against the wall. there’s a soft, rhythmic beeping next to her, and she breathes a sigh of relief, because at least she knows she’s alive. her fingers are numb and her head is a million pounds, so she lets out a low groan of pain, and yuri snaps awake. there are tear tracks running down her cheeks and her hair is a dishevelled mess, but her face immediately brightens when she sees yena awake.

“sorry,” yena says, looking down, her voice ever so slightly muffled by the mask.

“you don’t have to apologise,” yuri replies, and looking at the pure relief in her eyes yena knows she has to try and stay alive for her.

“promise you won’t ever scare me like that again?” yuri asks, and yena nods, using what little feeling she had left in her hands to clasp yuri’s smaller, clammy ones.

“i promise,” yena says, and she really means it.

-

she breaks that promise not too long after that.

-

“d’you remember our first kiss?” she half-whispers, half-mumbles one night. yuri smiles back, and the stars shine brighter than ever in her eyes.

“of course i do,” she replies, clammy hands grasped in yena’s.

“me too,” yena says, “it was probably the best day of my life, yul. d’you know how long i’d liked you before that?”

yuri laughs in response. “same here, ducky. when i get scared, or sad, i always think of that day, and it’s immediately a million times better.”

“really?” yena pouts, and yuri nods.

“it’s getting late, we should go to bed.”

yena’s head is getting light, she can see the lights spinning around her and feel yuri’s touch on her skin, but it leaves unfamiliar patches of emptiness when she lets go.

“yena?” yuri asks, and it’s deja-vu. yena mumbles something incoherent, something in between an ‘i love you’ and ‘i’m sorry’, but yuri’s already out the door and grabbing her phone, panicked gasps in the room as she begs yena to _please, stay in there!_

all yena can see are the stars in yuri’s eyes, and then the world goes black.

-

jo yuri is twenty when the love of her life dies.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry lol  
> leave a kudos/review if you enjoyed <3


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